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Aug. 31st, 2010

lucky cat

Ughx2

I'm so tired of feeling like this.

Now that I'm off effexor I feel like I'm dealing with feelings that it made me forget about and I really don't like it.

I just want someone to take me out of this situation. I need a change more than any thing but I don't know how or what to do about it. Every thing is so complicated, it's just exhausting and hopeless to think about.

Please just give me a few hours of happiness a day so I can get through this.

Fuck it all.

Aug. 17th, 2010

lucky cat

Ugh

It seems many people are having some not-so-great times. It sucks.

I hate to say it, but I'm one of those people.

The only reason I'm even posting here is because I don't feel like I can talk to any one about it. And because of that, I just have to get it out in some way, shape, or form. I can't keep it inside any more.

The fucking annoying thing about it is, the people that would offer to let me vent, I wouldn't want to talk to right now. They have their own stuff going on and things that I don't want to spoil with my dumb life problems. I've never been one to want to openly talk about myself, especially when I know other people are going through their own stuff, usually worse, than what I am.

All I know is that I have to make a major change in my life soon. I can't stand being like this any more. I don't know if I have the courage to do this. In my heart it's what I want but I can't get the rest of my body to commit to it. It's huge, life altering huge. I just want to be fucking happy.

Tears are starting to form as I type this so I'm going to stop, I have to go to work soon.

I'm sorry for my rambling. I should have made this private or whatever. I guess this is my way of talking about me without actually talking about me.

I love you guys

Mar. 4th, 2010

lucky cat

yay the sun

It feels like the sun hasn't been out in weeks, it's nice to finally see it. I swear just by having the sun out, my mood has already changed. Now if Spring would just get here and the weather would get warmer, I'd be set.

Neil and I are planning a trip in Mid-April. We're going to Atlanta to see Thrice and Manchester Orchestra then after the show we're driving to Jacksonville, FL to stay for a few nights. We're getting a hotel on the beach while we're there. Gah. I really can't wait. We both need a vacation from so many things. It's going to be nice to get out and be some where different.

So, money is tight since we're saving every penny or the trip. Well, money is always tight. But with the trip, saving for our new deposit and new first month's rent in June, and then our usual expenses...we just don't have much left over haha. And this makes it hard to do any thing, so when we do have days off we just end up hanging out at home. I miss going out, I miss visiting people. Ugh. Oh well, things will change eventually.

Planning this trip has really made me think about moving out of state. Neil and I have always talked about moving but never knew when a good time would be. Obviously when I'm out of school, but I wonder how long we'll wait after that. My main reason for staying here is for family and friends. I'll miss everyone if we leave. Then I thought about how often I see people and realized that it's only a couple times a month. And that usually involves us going to visit, which is tough with Neil's schedule and our lack of money. Thankfully, we have people coming to see us from time to time. But is staying in Indiana really necessary?

If we moved some where, we could still people as often as we do now. We'll be making enough money to fly back or fly people to see us a couple times of month. Hell, we'll probably see people longer since they'll stay with us longer or we'll stay in IN longer when visiting. After realizing this fact I got really excited and started thinking about places we could move. It's so much work, finding a place, learning about it. I definitely have some research ahead of me. Luckily I have friends that are scattered in different areas of the US, so their opinions should come in handy.

Well, enough procrastinating, I've got a ton of homework to do.

I miss you guys! Hopefully some time in the near future we can get together.

bai

Feb. 17th, 2010

lucky cat

ugh

I dont wanna be up early or go to class or get out in the show

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Feb. 10th, 2010

lucky cat

Um...

I really really really really really want to bake some thing. Being broke sucks. I joined this community on here called bakebakebake and I get so jealous of all the stuff these people are making. I wish opening a business wasn't nearly impossible. I would love to own and work in a cute little bakery, baking awesome treats all day long.

School money needs to get here NOW. Rent is late, payments to my hospital bills are late. Honestly I don't really care, but I guess it will be nice to pay them off so I stop getting bills in the mail.

For dinner tonight:

Turkey tenderloin with toasted almonds, mashed red potatoes, and broccoli.

This weather has been really annoying, though I haven't had to go out in it much. I skipped class this morning in hopes that our campus would be closed anyway. But, it wasn't. Oh well.

Well, gotta go, dinner's about ready and I'm STARVING.

I want to hangout with everyone soon. I miss my Columbus friends :(

BAI

Jan. 27th, 2010

lucky cat

ugh

Mornings suck on their own, but mornings in the winter are a million times worse.

This cold weather is such a pain in the ass. I hate putting on layers of clothes AND a coat AND a scarf. Then I get the pleasure of scraping ice off my car so I can see out of it. Oh and I have the lamest ice scraper too, it barely does any thing, so I'm sitting there scraping and scraping and only a tiny bit of ice comes off. Then I have to wait for the car to heat up and by the time it gets to be a comfortable temperature, I'm already at the place I need to be.

I want to live in a climate where the above paragraph no longer applies.

Hopefully some day.

Oh, check this out: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-35-most-ridiculous-skymall-items/


Is it bad that I kinda want the wine glass necklace and the booze belt?

Fuck, gotta go to class.

Jan. 25th, 2010

lucky cat

So...

I haven't posted in here (well, an actual post) in over two years. It's crazy to me how fast time goes by. I'm going to be 28 this summer, Marely is going to be 3 this May, Kai just turned 2, this march Neil and I will have been married for 2 years and have been together for 5 years. What the hell? Where does all the time go?

Thinking about the past really makes me realize how much I've grown up, how much I've changed. I've shed away certain parts of myself that I was glad to see go. I don't make stupid ass decisions any more and overall I'm pretty happy and excited about life. The mistakes I've made over my life have taught me many lessons and shaped who I am today as a person. I feel like, finally, I have a grasp on the type of person that I want to be.

I've learned that, life has it's way of giving you want you need and, eventually what you want. Shit happens, but over all I've learned that most things happen (or don't happen) for a reason. And if you can work hard and be patient, you'll eventually get what you strive for and end up happy.

I spent many years unhappy, in dysfunctional relationships (including friendships), making bad choices and screwing up beyond belief. All of this makes me appreciate what I have now, who am I now, and where my life is headed.

I have amazing friends, some who I see often, others I don't. I dislike the fact that I rarely see some people who I consider good friends, but the fact is, if friends start to fade away just because you don't talk often, they weren't great friends in the first place. I've learned to accept that and move on.

I have a great marriage. Finally a relationship that is fair, honest, fun, and happy. We get each other, we've been through so much and I always know as long as he's there, every thing will eventually be alright.

I have an awesome family. Including my in-law family. I couldn't be happier with the group of people that I'm related to. No matter what, they're always there, through any thing. My niece and nephew amaze me every time I see them. They're growing up so fast and it's exciting to know that I'm apart of that.

So, all in all, I'm pretty content with life.

School is finally starting to work out for me. After years and years and years of unsure thoughts, I've finally made the decision to go to nursing school and get my ass a degree and out working. I'm starting the CNA program this summer and after 5 weeks I'll be CNA certified. That's a good starting point. Then, hopefully, in the fall I'll be starting the RN program. I have a very good chance of getting in despite how competitive the program is. It feels great to finally have a plan after all these years of floating around, changing my major 1000 times and just being totally unsure about what I want.

After two years at our current address (which we so affectionately call Burberry Lane), Steve, Neil, and I are moving in June to a larger, newer place. So, that's exciting.


So, that's that. My life as of late in a few paragraphs. Hopefully I can keep up with the updates, I do kinda miss this thing.

I hope life is treating every one well!

Jan. 22nd, 2010

lucky cat

Um...

Hey.

Lyke I totally rediscovered my El Jay AHA.

I think I'll start posting in here again for the hell of it.

that's it for now.

bai

Jun. 1st, 2008

lucky cat

Eh, what the hell.

It's been a long ass time since I've posted in here. Not sure what prompted me to do so right now either...

Anyway. Things are awesome right now, never better in fact. I can't believe I'm married. haha. I was one of those fag ass girls who always thought about what their wedding was going to be like and blah blah. So, married life is awesome....nothing is different than it was, I just wear a ring every day and my last name is now Freeman.

I was kinda happy to say goodbye Maudlin. People never say it right and no one ever spells it right. Not only that, but it was like I shed a part of myself when I made this transition. Even thought nothing personally changed, but it's like I entered a new phase in my life. Even though marriage hasn't changed our relationship or any thing about our lives. I don't know. I'm rambling. It does feel awesome to say my husband instead of boyfriend. I always felt like a high schooler saying OMG MAH BOYFRIEND! LOL

Neil is awesome and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Best husband ever. I really don't know what I would do with out him.

Hm...what else? We've been living in Columbus since last July...wow, about a year now. That's insane. This time has flown by. Living with the family has been...different.haha. It's been great seeing every body more often and getting to spend tons of time with my little niece. However, Neil and I are ready to get back on our own again. Our own space, own things, privacy....I'll miss some parts of living here though. Not so much living in Columbus. I'll say it once, I'll say it again...this town sucks. haha. Honestly, this past year hasn't been too bad living here. Thanks to the CB and Nicole and Jesse's...which are the only two places we really hangout in town. Oh and Ashley and Erik's. If we're not in columbus(which is quite often) we're in Lebanon hanging out with Jimmy and Lizz and visiting Neil's brother Kerry, his wife Brooke, and their baby Kai. Anyway, Columbus isn't as bad as it used to be, but I'm still ready to get the F out.

July 1st we move into a three story townhouse in bloomington. We finally get to use all our wedding presents that have been sitting in the basement. I can't stand it. I want to get all of our new toys out and decorate! We bought some new furniture too, did I mention that I can't wait? Long's Landing is the best furniture place ever.

It feels like the wedding was FOREVER ago. All that planning for the ceremony, reception dinner thing, and honeymoon and now it's all over. It flew by so fast. Thanks to everyone that not only came but to those that have wished us a happy marriage, it means a lot.

The bahamas was a lot of fun. The cruise was different...haha. We were definitely outcasts. I think we may have been the only people on the whole boat with visible tattoos. So we got looked at a lot, but who cares? We ate a ton, drank a ton, and just hand fun in the awesome surroundings.

Hm...what else? My arrhythmia has really calmed down since last summer. I barely notice it any more. I'm going to attribute that to drinking less, better diet, and exercise. It's crazy how much changes in a year. My anxiety hasn't really been a problem for some time. I had some flare up's over the summer when Meg was in the hospital, but other than that, it's been cool.

So much has changed from a year ago. There are friends that have moved away that we miss a lot. Things definitely aren't what they used to be. Oh well, life changes and takes different people in different directions. It's just weird to think about what we were doing and who we were with just a year ago. It does make me happy that at least some people we keep in contact with and, when we get together, it's like no time has gone by at all.

Marley just turned one a few weekends ago. Geez, time goes by fast. She's walking all over the place and starting to talk a little, just in her own language. I've never liked kids...ever. But this one rules( and so does Kai, and so will Cayden!) . haha. I still don't want kids of my own, but she's an amazing little person and I love being her aunt.

Well, I think I've covered just about every thing that's new or going on in my life. I hope anyone that reads this is doing well and if I don't get to talk to you so much any more, I'm sorry for that. There are some friendships that I miss and others that I've just let go. At this point in my life I'm just letting things come an go and I try and keep a laid back attitude to every thing in life.

I'm always happy to hear from old friends or people that have lost touch, but I've decided that I'm no longer going to stress and worry about stuff like that any longer.

Well, poop, I guess that's about it.

BAI BAI!!!!!

Mar. 2nd, 2008

lucky cat

Thank you!

To my amazing family and all my amazing friends for sharing our wedding day with us.

I love you all and couldn't ask for better people in my life.

Yesterday was perfect.

I'm married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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